Archive for the ‘Fashion’ Category

I hate Agyness Deyn

April 3, 2008

Agness DeynI just really, really, really can’t stand her stupid face any longer. Every time I see it – which these days is at least 5,000 times a day – it makes me want to move to a remote island where fashion, neon and peroxide don’t and never will exist. Also, it is me or does her name make you think of a rare breed of cow that might be found in the Outer Hebrides, or maybe a demented, heavily wrinkled incidental member of the Royal Family?
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I hate Jacobite shirts

February 29, 2008

Jacobite ShirtUnless you are an extra in a Braveheart-esque epic about Scottish history (that is actually filmed in Ireland because it’s cheaper) you should never have a need – far less, a desire to wear a Jacobite shirt.

Hailing (unsurprisingly) from Jacobian times, these stringy, crinkly, frilly, over the top, wiry chest hair-revealing beauties seem to be most popular at weddings when worn with a kilt and some lovely woolly socks. The Jacobite shirt can also be spotted in more casual surroundings too. In these instances I’ve noticed it’s most commonly teamed with a nice pair of regular fit, stone washed 51 State Dad jeans.

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I hate plaid

February 28, 2008

Plaid party

You’re not a lumberjack. You’re not a cowboy. You’re not in a grunge band from 1991. Stop it.
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I hate Avril Lavigne

February 20, 2008

Avril Lavigne

I hate Avril Lavigne for the following reasons: she makes music that sounds like a sewer rat being strangled by an alley cat behind a Blink 182 gig, she has one of the world’s most punchable faces, she has pink streaks in her hair (which could never look good on anyone, nevermind her), she wears ties with T-shirts and she replaces letters with numbers (“Sk8er Boi”).

So, there we have it. These are enough reasons for me and anyone with an ounce of sense to hate her. Yes? Case closed. Not so quickly…

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I hate MBT shoes

February 7, 2008

MBT shoe

Have you seen these grotesque eyesores? I am guessing you must have. It’s pretty much impossible to miss a pair of these monster trucks roaring around on the tootsies of every Ally McBeal, Bridget Jones or Dear Deirdre reader across the land between the hours of 9 AM and 5 PM. What are these women thinking? I mean, these things are the footwear equivalent of Anne Widdecombe (especially the open toe sandal variety).

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I hate my flatmate

February 4, 2008

Y-fronts

Imagine all the people that you find annoying (if you’re like me that is probably a lot of people and a lot of annoyance). I bet if you were to combine every little thing that annoys you about everyone you know or have ever met into a dense mass of hate, it would still annoy me less than my flatmate. To begin to prove this point I shall list below a mere handful of the reasons that make him the most annoying person I have ever known:

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I hate long nails

February 2, 2008

When I was in sixth grade I cut all my nails into sharp points because I saw a photo of Glenn Danzig with his nails like that. My knife-nails, as I called them, were evil and menacing and cool, or so I thought. Thankfully, since sixth grade I’ve grown to detest long nails, be they sharpened or dull. They don’t even have to be talon-like for me to hate them; any bit of nail extending beyond the fingertip is enough to make me vomit on my dick and use the puke as lube. Actually, that’s a bit harsh. But just imagine getting a hand-job from that hand. Worse still, imagine her inserting a pinky.
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I hate my Nike iDs

February 1, 2008

Nike iDs

Some time last year I was asked if I would like to go to the Nike store in Central London to design a pair of Nike iDs for free. I am, as it happens, quite a fan of free stuff so I didn’t say no. After making an appointment, I dragged myself and my hangover along one Saturday morning. It turned out when I got there that I would only have half an hour to complete the design, but I assumed this would be fine. To help me manoeuvre my way through the tricky world of embossed leather and reverse stitching the lady in charge assigned me a dim, offensively camp little worm working in the shop. He obligingly tapped away on the computer like a concussed mole with ADHD as I told him how I wanted each section of the shoe to look. Initially it seemed like things were going well but after crashing the computer three times and losing the design on each occasion, half an hour quickly turned into five minutes. The result was this visual monstrosity you see before your eyes, which I was informed I had no more time left to change.

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