Author Archive

I hate men scratching their bits in public

July 29, 2008

As a rule, boys in this country aren’t very well trained in manners and etiquette. That’s a given. I accept that.

But what I have a problem with is grown men who see nothing wrong with scratching their balls or putting their hands down their trousers to “sort things out” and have a good old rummage while they’re sat right in front of me having a chat.
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I hate meetings

June 3, 2008

Meetings are a massive waste of time. They are basically an excuse for people to go to work late, leave work early, look busy, steal other people’s ideas, get other people to do their work for them, show off or maybe amuse themselves with the aid of a really nifty Powerpoint presentation.
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I hate living with people

May 12, 2008

Living where I do, being anal about hygiene and house tidiness means I can’t turn a blind eye when faeces is smeared all over the toilet, and I prefer the fridge not to smell like it’s got a decomposing family of rats at the bottom of it. My housemates are much more laid back characters. They have a special, yet common condition called Selectively Repetitive Blindness to Disgusting Mess Disorder.
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I hate people who blog about themselves and their boring lives

May 6, 2008

I find blogs where people solely talk about themselves and what they get up to every day weird, deluded and a bit mental. I guess people see these blogs as a sort of digital diary but isn’t the whole point of a diary that it’s for your eyes only? The appeal is in the secrecy, surely? Having a diary for the world to see must defeat the object, unless the whole thing is a desperate cry for help (which often appears to be the case).
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I hate Agyness Deyn

April 3, 2008

Agness DeynI just really, really, really can’t stand her stupid face any longer. Every time I see it – which these days is at least 5,000 times a day – it makes me want to move to a remote island where fashion, neon and peroxide don’t and never will exist. Also, it is me or does her name make you think of a rare breed of cow that might be found in the Outer Hebrides, or maybe a demented, heavily wrinkled incidental member of the Royal Family?
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I hate My Super Sweet 16

March 11, 2008

When I first came across this programme I was dumbstruck. It’s a bunch of cackling, screeching, dribbling, mentally vacant rat children with Sun-In-treated hair making horrifically extravagant demands and treating their parents, their “workers” and most other people they come across like a big bag of festering dog poo. I know the show is edited to make the kids look as bad as possible, but I still feel genuine hatred towards every single one of them.
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I hate airports

March 5, 2008

Chicks on tour

Nowadays, travelling via an airport to anywhere is a pain in the arse. It’s basically a total waste of time (if you ignore the minor fact that getting to somewhere really, really far away by any other means of transport would take 3-4 weeks).

There are myriad reasons I have grown to hate airports. Firstly, I always fall into the trap of checking in my luggage and then saying to myself, “Hmmm… I’m thirsty. I’ll go and buy a nice, refreshing drink at that handy newsagents over there.” After paying £3.50 for a bottle of water, I breeze along to the next stage of the airport dance – the security check-in for your hand luggage. And what do I find? I’m not allowed to bring my water through with me. Fucking weasels. Why have a shop selling a fine selection of thirst-quenching beverages that are only of use if you are so thirsty you want to pour the entire thing down your gullet in world record time?
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I hate Jacobite shirts

February 29, 2008

Jacobite ShirtUnless you are an extra in a Braveheart-esque epic about Scottish history (that is actually filmed in Ireland because it’s cheaper) you should never have a need – far less, a desire to wear a Jacobite shirt.

Hailing (unsurprisingly) from Jacobian times, these stringy, crinkly, frilly, over the top, wiry chest hair-revealing beauties seem to be most popular at weddings when worn with a kilt and some lovely woolly socks. The Jacobite shirt can also be spotted in more casual surroundings too. In these instances I’ve noticed it’s most commonly teamed with a nice pair of regular fit, stone washed 51 State Dad jeans.

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I hate Avril Lavigne

February 20, 2008

Avril Lavigne

I hate Avril Lavigne for the following reasons: she makes music that sounds like a sewer rat being strangled by an alley cat behind a Blink 182 gig, she has one of the world’s most punchable faces, she has pink streaks in her hair (which could never look good on anyone, nevermind her), she wears ties with T-shirts and she replaces letters with numbers (“Sk8er Boi”).

So, there we have it. These are enough reasons for me and anyone with an ounce of sense to hate her. Yes? Case closed. Not so quickly…

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I hate Mitchell and Webb (when they’re not on Peep Show)

February 10, 2008

Mitchell and Webb

Why is it that Mitchell and Webb are so heartbreakingly unfunny in anything other than Peep Show? I can’t even squeeze out a teeny tiny chuckle or crack even a mini half smile if I watch anything else they do on TV. As much as I want to like their other stuff, I just can’t bring myself to. What makes it worse is that I’m what you might call a massive Peep Show fan. I simply cannot get enough of it. I really do love it. I mean, what’s not to love? Nerdy, awkward, bumbling, saucer-eyed Mark with his strange endearing uptight ways and Jez with his try hard, cringy desperation and shallow naïve arrogance. They are a match made in TV heaven. They have the best on screen chemistry since Wayne and Garth. Or maybe Cagney and Lacey. Or maybe The Likely lads. Yeah that’s more like it – Mark and Jeremy are the modern day Likely Lads. Peep Show is definitely the best thing on TV. (Admittedly the last series got a little ridiculous with the dead dog but let’s not dwell on that.)

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I hate MBT shoes

February 7, 2008

MBT shoe

Have you seen these grotesque eyesores? I am guessing you must have. It’s pretty much impossible to miss a pair of these monster trucks roaring around on the tootsies of every Ally McBeal, Bridget Jones or Dear Deirdre reader across the land between the hours of 9 AM and 5 PM. What are these women thinking? I mean, these things are the footwear equivalent of Anne Widdecombe (especially the open toe sandal variety).

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I hate people who talk, eat or breathe loudly

February 6, 2008

Mouth

I hate people who need to do things very loudly. London specifically seems to be full of them and I hate all of them. The major problem seems to be people who talk on the phone loudly and for hours. Why would you have a really personal phone call about your boyfriend’s shortcomings in the bedroom on the number 8 bus at 6 PM on a Wednesday? Then, there are people who feel the need to talk loudly wherever they are because they simply like the sound of their own voice. I find it embarrassing if I’m ever with someone like this in public. Just shut up. Nobody else needs to know what you think, do or say.

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I hate my flatmate

February 4, 2008

Y-fronts

Imagine all the people that you find annoying (if you’re like me that is probably a lot of people and a lot of annoyance). I bet if you were to combine every little thing that annoys you about everyone you know or have ever met into a dense mass of hate, it would still annoy me less than my flatmate. To begin to prove this point I shall list below a mere handful of the reasons that make him the most annoying person I have ever known:

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I hate growths

February 3, 2008

Sarah Jessica Parker

Growths disgust me. I really can’t stand growths of any kind. They gross me out. By growths I mean warts, moles, lesions, all of that. Just writing those words made me feel slightly ill. I hate looking at them and if people have them all I can think is: why would you not get that removed or at the very least try to hide it? No wonder Sarah Jessica Parker has her chin wart Photoshopped out in (most) pictures.

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