I hate urban handshakes

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God, can normal people stop doing these? If I had a penny for every time I tried to shake someone’s hand and they then manoeuvred this gesture into a weird clenched palm, elbow in the air urban greeting, I’d have about 85p right now. Listen, you’re not a “gang banger” in the Bronx. We’re English. We shake hands. Accept it. If you can’t accept it, then please don’t try and inflict your weird hand touching fetishes on other people. Shaking hands may be seen as not macho enough, but wrapping your whole hand around another man’s hand and then pulling him towards your chest is probably bordering on sexual assault in some countries.

The weird thing is, I find it’s usually weird Bape-obsessed nerds with bad acne and trainers that look too big for their feet that are most keen to do urban handshakes. I guess they watched 8 Mile once and thought by emulating what they saw, people would think they were from the less infamous English, middle-class branch of a Detroit gang. Or maybe just not living at home with their parents and sharing a bunk bed with their 32-year-old brother.

Then, you’ve got the people who refuse to shake hands, but will instead want to touch fists with you. It’s like a game of rock-paper-scissors. I’ll go in with an open palm only to be met with a clenched fist poised for me to reciprocate. Seriously, what’s wrong with a simple handshake? Or even a high five? You can’t go wrong with a high five.

10 Responses to “I hate urban handshakes”

  1. conroy Says:

    What is wrong with a good old fashioned handshake, but don’t be limp. A man is often judged by the strenght of his hand shake.

  2. Seth Says:

    What you really hate is “non-white people” and the standard English “any public display of acquaintance more physical than eye contact.”

  3. Em Says:

    What i find fucking ridiculous is ugly, prison complexion, London white boys (i’m white by the way) who try so hard to adopt black American culture, they end up looking like this-

    I love hip hop i love america but i’m not going to go and buy a New York baseball cap, pretend i collect ‘sneakers’ and call myself slimzee or some shit

    Fucking Behave

  4. davey Says:

    likewise, i think its rude to assume that another person wants to be touched by you. when i am placed in the awkward situation where someone extends their palm to me, i shake it to avoid a bar brawl, but i cant help but cringe at the thought of their hand wiping their ass. i wish that culture would embrace the fist bump _ it is less presumptuous and far more sanitary.

  5. LaQuan Says:

    Yous a triffilin’ little bitch john, trifilin’. Damn.

  6. B Says:

    Half the time I try to go for a homie handshake, the guy I’m shaking with (who is usually more urban than me) is all surprised or caught off guard.

    And when I shake hands with my fellow whiteys, they gimme this limpy-ass handshake.

    Can’t really find a happy medium.:/

  7. Adidas F50 Says:

    i shake it to avoid a bar brawl, but i cant help but cringe at the thought of their hand wiping their ass. i wish that culture would embrace the fist bump _ it is less presumptuous and far more sanitary.

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