I hate Agyness Deyn

I just really, really, really can’t stand her stupid face any longer. Every time I see it – which these days is at least 5,000 times a day – it makes me want to move to a remote island where fashion, neon and peroxide don’t and never will exist. Also, it is me or does her name make you think of a rare breed of cow that might be found in the Outer Hebrides, or maybe a demented, heavily wrinkled incidental member of the Royal Family?

The aggravation started about six or so months ago when someone somewhere said she was “the new Kate Moss”. Whatever that means. Unless I have the eye sight of Stevie Wonder after being sprayed with an entire firetruck filled with CS gas, then there are exactly zero factors that suggest Agyness Deyn is the new Kate Moss.

Let’s be real. She looks like a confused Flashdance extra. As models go, she’s totally fine if you like that whole 80s neon, Annie Lennox haircut, shoulder pads, Thompson Twins vibe. But really, come on, she’s no Kate Moss. As annoying and repulsive as I find Kate Moss these days (when I see a photo of her it makes me think of an alley cat on heroin who’s been swimming in a sewer filled with stale wine for nine weeks) her whole appeal is her versatility. She can go from daisy chain-making hippy sweetheart, to grunge whore to high society darling effortlessly. I doubt Agyness Deyn could even change her skirt without gazing at her own reflection then falling over face first. She is a bigger narcissist than Dale Winton multiplied by David Beckham to the power of Jodie Marsh. I think she might actually be addicted to cameras. I bet if you followed her around with one of those Tesco Value disposable cameras she’d be after you like an Alsation after a newly opened can of Spam. She just can’t help it. She’d probably even show up to a tooth whitening just so she could then see her reflection in the newly gleaming teeth. Again, I wouldn’t mind so much if she was as stunning as she thought she was.

If I were pedantic enough to dissect the picture above (which I am) I would say this:

1. The jacket appears to be borrowed either from Pat Butcher or Don Johnson circa 1985. It neither fits nor is nice.

2. Nobody looks cool when they wear sunglasses inside. This is a myth that I think a Radio 1 DJ (maybe Gary Davies or Bruno Brookes) from the 80s once said on air and everyone believed him. You look even worse when you wear children’s glasses which are slightly too small for your face.

3. Annie Lennox was a really great singer. That much is true. But a looker she was not. I rarely remember peroxide spikes on a woman being an enviable look on anyone unless you were Yazz.

Get back to the Outer Hebrides to join your cow family at haste.