I hate people who talk, eat or breathe loudly

I hate people who need to do things very loudly. London specifically seems to be full of them and I hate all of them. The major problem seems to be people who talk on the phone loudly and for hours. Why would you have a really personal phone call about your boyfriend’s shortcomings in the bedroom on the number 8 bus at 6 PM on a Wednesday? Then, there are people who feel the need to talk loudly wherever they are because they simply like the sound of their own voice. I find it embarrassing if I’m ever with someone like this in public. Just shut up. Nobody else needs to know what you think, do or say.

I can’t forget people who eat or drink loudly. Slurp, gobble, munch, gurgle, “Aaaah” (a popular one with tea). None of these noises are necessary and you don’t need to make these noises. I can only assume these people’s parents did the same thing otherwise why would nobody have told them to shut the fuck up and stop grossing people out. You are not a baby, you are in total control of what you are doing.

Finally, something which had a particularly drastic effect on my early life: people who breathe loudly or worse, on you. I remember in French class I sat in front of this disturbingly fat girl that never washed called Ruth. She was actually quite nice. One year for my birthday she gave me one of those Trolls people used to collect. Anyway, don’t worry about that, all you need to know is the fact that she would breathe really loudly all the time. Every class sounded like her last class, as if these were her last few breaths of life. I was forced to sit in front of her for three years. I got an E in French and I blame Ruth and her distracting death rattle.