I hate urban handshakes

God, can normal people stop doing these? If I had a penny for every time I tried to shake someone’s hand and they then manoeuvred this gesture into a weird clenched palm, elbow in the air urban greeting, I’d have about 85p right now. Listen, you’re not a “gang banger” in the Bronx. We’re English. We shake hands. Accept it. If you can’t accept it, then please don’t try and inflict your weird hand touching fetishes on other people. Shaking hands may be seen as not macho enough, but wrapping your whole hand around another man’s hand and then pulling him towards your chest is probably bordering on sexual assault in some countries.

The weird thing is, I find it’s usually weird Bape-obsessed nerds with bad acne and trainers that look too big for their feet that are most keen to do urban handshakes. I guess they watched 8 Mile once and thought by emulating what they saw, people would think they were from the less infamous English, middle-class branch of a Detroit gang. Or maybe just not living at home with their parents and sharing a bunk bed with their 32-year-old brother.

Then, you’ve got the people who refuse to shake hands, but will instead want to touch fists with you. It’s like a game of rock-paper-scissors. I’ll go in with an open palm only to be met with a clenched fist poised for me to reciprocate. Seriously, what’s wrong with a simple handshake? Or even a high five? You can’t go wrong with a high five.