I hate the Animals in War Memorial

This is a monument on Park Lane to animals killed in war. I have nothing against animals but I can’t help but be irked by this. Can you even imagine how much money it cost to construct this vapid pile of filth?

“They had no choice” is the catchy tagline that is expensively engraved into the gleaming sandstone. I think this may be the worst thing about the whole monument, merely because the implication is that all the millions of humans who had their guts blasted out or heads vaporised did have much choice in the matter. I want to find the smug shitprawns who lobbied for this meaningless aesthetic atrocity and spit steaming phlegm on their kids. If there were hordes of pack-donkeys, Alsatians, and carrier pigeons bringing their kids to look at the monument on the weekend to see their great-great-great-grandfathers being honoured, then I would say nothing.

Come on, you know I’m right. It’s a total waste of money, and as animals cleary don’t give a shit about the fate of their ancestors it seems it can only have been built to make people feel less guilty.

I do really love animals, though. I promise. I have loads of David Attenborough DVDs and everything.

BRUNO BAYLEY